Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
1) Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
2) Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
3) The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
4) A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
5) Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
6) The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7) If condoms are kept out of schools, teenagers won't have sex.
8) A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
9) Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
10) HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
11) Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
12) A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
13) Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
14) The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
15) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
16) You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
17) What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
The truly scary thing is that none of these are really all that farcical!
I’ve sent this to many conservative friends of mine and while they don’t appreciate have their bullshit called out, or mocked, none of them really made any effort to deny that these were legitimate points! And if anything? They’ve pretty much doubled down on them since then!
About the only one that’s changed is (16) because now the conservative interests (industry, religious funny-mentalists, teabaggers, etc…) are BURYING US under voter initiatives to try and cram their agenda down our throats. And before anyone even TIRES to tell me that voter initiatives are in ANY WAY democratic, I will remind you that the general public is almost always woefully misinformed about what’s actually IN most of these. which is pretty much exactly how these initiatives’ sponsors want it! Orwell would either be proud or is rollingin his grave, I’m not sure which.
In any case, while the list itself is still depressingly relevant there are a few I’d like to add:
18) Using racist rhetoric is an appropriate exercise of your first amendment rights, but pointing out the inherent racism in someone else’s comments is hate speech.
19) Every black person who voted for Obama is a racist, but none of the white people who voted for McCain are.
20) Anything bad that happened while Bush was still in office is Obama’s fault. Anything good that happens while Obama is in office is because of something Bush did.
21) Social Security is going broke because we don’t have enough money going into it. Therefore we should take MORE MONEY away from it.*
22) MSNBC, which gives former Republican Senator Joe Scarborough his own morning show and once gave both Mike Savage and Tucker Carlson their own shows is liberally biased, but Fox, which made Alan Colmes share a show with Sean Hannity and which currently features NO regular liberals (or even moderate) commentators is “fair and balanced.”
23) The Founding Fathers, who went out of their way to guarantee us freedom of religion, were Evangelical Christian Fundamentalists who wanted all of us to practice the same religion.
24) Murdering a Doctor is doing God’s work, but setting up an Islamic community center is terrorism.
25) It’s freedom of religion, not freedom from religion… unless that religion is something other than Fundamentalist Evangelical Christianity.
26) Keeping religion out of the classroom is a Violation of the 1st Amendment / Freedom of Religion, but kicking Muslims out of the country is not.
27) A Republican Supreme Court Nominee talking about his Italian heritage is being patriotic, but a Democratic Court Nominee talking about her Puerto Rican heritage is being racist.
28) Deficits don’t matter when the Republicans control the Federal Government, but they’re of critical importance when the Democrats do.
Feel free to add mine onto the list and forward it on. There are many “Democrat” versions, though none really caught on like this one did. There will howver be a part-2 to this, where I’ll take apart the one [about the Democrats] that comes up in the #1 slot in Google.
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*I’m often told by conservatives that can’t fix every problem by throwing money at it. My counter argument is that you can’t really fix ANY problem by taking money AWAY from it!
