Position Briefs

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

NICEGUY EDDIE FOR PRESIDENT! (or... if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!)

My friends, I have heard your call, and I agree that it is high time we stopped the insanity going on in Washington, changed the direction this country is heading in, and brought big Government back under the control of the people! That is why, right now, I, Niceguy Eddie Cabot, am announcing my candidacy for the President of the United States, and am asking for your vote to support my nomination as the Tea Party Candidate.


Right up front, we need to send a message to these liberals, who want to stifle the debate, that we are not racists! We strongly believe in the principles of freedom and self-determination, which is why we believe that Kenya should be governed by Kenyans and America should be governed by white people!

I have heard you loud and clear regarding Obamacare and this radical idea of the Public Option. So let me assure you that, as your President, I will oppose any legislation that would result in you paying less for health care.

I have heard your call to end all this stimulus and to start creating jobs! So as your president I will issue an executive order to implement a hiring freeze in the Public Sector, a spending freeze and an permanent end to all stimulus spending. What’s more, to get people back to work, we will implement a freeze on all unemployment benefits and welfare. I am positive that the resulting drop in consumer demand will be so extreme that it will finally put the private sector into a prime position where they can start hiring again and putting people back to work.

I have heard your voices on Taxes, and you desire to reduce the federal deficit. So as your President, I will oppose any and all legislation that raises your taxes, ever. Unfortunately this means that I have to oppose the Bush tax cuts, since they would have raised taxes next year, but fear not! For we will not only let those making over $250,000 keep their Bush tax cuts, and to make up the difference, we will ONLY raise taxes on Social Security and welfare recipients. After all, it is only fair that the ones benefiting from these programs should be the ones to pay for them!

And while the liberals may call it “racist,” we absolutely must strengthen our borders in order to keep out those damned filthy Mexicans! So I am proposing that we triple the height of the wall along our border. And since I know you are opposed to stimulus spending, we’re going to make it out of cement. That way we can hire Mexicans to build it. They’re cheaper after all, and hey: Since they’re the ones benefiting from the wall, it’s only fair that they should be the ones to build the damned thing!

And finally, my friends, let’s get down to what this is really all about: Getting the government OFF YOUR BACKS and back to its Constitutionally limited authority!

To that end, let me assure you that under my administration we will never allow gays to marry, or to serve openly in the military. We will continue on the path of outlawing all abortions. We will never legalize Marijuana or teach science to our children that is contradictory to the bible and thus our Christian values and we will monitor the internet and the media for any messages that are going around that are contrary to these goals! After all: We can’t get the government off your back, if people keep on going around questioning us!

So let us not disagree with one another! That’s not how you have a strong democracy! Let us stand together and unify this country, so that we can be a stronger, more prosperous and more free Christian nation. So I’m asking for your support and your nomination. Most importantly, I’m asking for your vote, and for you to vote early and often: The very integrity of our democracy is at stake!

Thank you!

9 comments:

  1. I'm mad in a vague, generic way! That means that the federal government must have been bad! That means it's "logical" to vote for anyone who says that the government is bad. So I'll vote for you. After I finish voting for you, I'll briefly wonder why someone who hates government wants to govern.

    I have a friend who is so ashamed of the republican party that she's become an "independent". This, of course, means that she thinks that every sentence a republican says is true, as long as it doesn't contain the word "republican". She'll vote for anyone who is 100% tethered to the republican party platform, as long as they don't say the word "republican" too much. She'll vote for you. After she's finished voting, the national media will marvel at how so many independents fled from the democratic party.

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  2. That's right, Eddie! Don't tread on me!

    ...Tread on women, homosexuals, and other religions.

    But not me!

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  3. That speech would probably get you elected down here in Fl.

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  4. @Christopher Back

    I'm afraid not. I need a borderline, clinically insane woman for that job. I'm thinking about Christine O'Donnell. She's the sort of "less government interference in our lives" candidate that really stands up for our values. I'm afrad Sec. of State is out to, for pretty much the same reason. After Albright, Rice and Clinton, that's hardly a MAN'S JOB anymore either. So... PALIN, maybe? She's got foreign policy experience after all - being able to see Russia from her house and all.

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  5. @Steeve

    Please let you're friend know that I appreciate her support. But I must say that you're last point is kind of... pessimistic, no? I mean... EVERYONE KNOWS that "independants" tend to lean to the Right, don't they?

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  6. @Dradeeus

    I wouldn't dream of it! (Wait... you're not one them lousy liberals, right?)

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  7. @hirightnow-

    Florida?! What are you implying? That is a damn fine speech, that speaks to the Chistians values that ALL AMERICANS should hold dear! Otherwise they shouldn't really be allowed to vote, right?

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  8. Glad to see you've finally come back to your Conservative senses.

    As a hopeful for a cushy job in the Department of Energy, where I can make enough in kickbacks to retire to (or purchase) a non-extradition country by allowing energy lobbyists to write my policies for me. (After all, they must be experts, look at how much they get paid.) I propose a plan for alternative energy that will re-purpose some of our existing coal plants (just till we can build new ones) to burn the error-filled 'science' books, heathen 'religious' tomes, and other pinko liberal garbage that bloats our libraries, public schools (do we really need those, let's combine Energy and Education, the DOEE) and private shelves. I've read Fahrenheit 451, I know it could work better!

    okie(/snark)poli

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