My friends, I have heard your call, and I agree that it is high time we stopped the insanity going on in Washington, changed the direction this country is heading in, and brought big Government back under the control of the people! That is why, right now, I, Niceguy Eddie Cabot, am announcing my candidacy for the President of the United States, and am asking for your vote to support my nomination as the Tea Party Candidate.
Right up front, we need to send a message to these liberals, who want to stifle the debate, that we are not racists! We strongly believe in the principles of freedom and self-determination, which is why we believe that Kenya should be governed by Kenyans and America should be governed by white people!
I have heard you loud and clear regarding Obamacare and this radical idea of the Public Option. So let me assure you that, as your President, I will oppose any legislation that would result in you paying less for health care.
I have heard your call to end all this stimulus and to start creating jobs! So as your president I will issue an executive order to implement a hiring freeze in the Public Sector, a spending freeze and an permanent end to all stimulus spending. What’s more, to get people back to work, we will implement a freeze on all unemployment benefits and welfare. I am positive that the resulting drop in consumer demand will be so extreme that it will finally put the private sector into a prime position where they can start hiring again and putting people back to work.
I have heard your voices on Taxes, and you desire to reduce the federal deficit. So as your President, I will oppose any and all legislation that raises your taxes, ever. Unfortunately this means that I have to oppose the Bush tax cuts, since they would have raised taxes next year, but fear not! For we will not only let those making over $250,000 keep their Bush tax cuts, and to make up the difference, we will ONLY raise taxes on Social Security and welfare recipients. After all, it is only fair that the ones benefiting from these programs should be the ones to pay for them!
And while the liberals may call it “racist,” we absolutely must strengthen our borders in order to keep out those damned filthy Mexicans! So I am proposing that we triple the height of the wall along our border. And since I know you are opposed to stimulus spending, we’re going to make it out of cement. That way we can hire Mexicans to build it. They’re cheaper after all, and hey: Since they’re the ones benefiting from the wall, it’s only fair that they should be the ones to build the damned thing!
And finally, my friends, let’s get down to what this is really all about: Getting the government OFF YOUR BACKS and back to its Constitutionally limited authority!
To that end, let me assure you that under my administration we will never allow gays to marry, or to serve openly in the military. We will continue on the path of outlawing all abortions. We will never legalize Marijuana or teach science to our children that is contradictory to the bible and thus our Christian values and we will monitor the internet and the media for any messages that are going around that are contrary to these goals! After all: We can’t get the government off your back, if people keep on going around questioning us!
So let us not disagree with one another! That’s not how you have a strong democracy! Let us stand together and unify this country, so that we can be a stronger, more prosperous and more free Christian nation. So I’m asking for your support and your nomination. Most importantly, I’m asking for your vote, and for you to vote early and often: The very integrity of our democracy is at stake!